Words unsaid
by Jaylie's Ink
Summary: "He still couldn't say it. Even though she did. She had told him but the Doctor… They were words he couldn't deal with. She knew that, but she couldn't help being disappointed. Couldn't help wanting more."


Here I am, making my first steps into the Doctor Who fandom ! I would like to thank seriesluvr for beta-reading this story. I hope you'll enjoy it ! Don't forget to leave a review :)

Oh, and happy new year !

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River Song was immersed into her student's examinations corrections. In the darkness of her room in Luna University, her desk was lighted by a single bed lamp. Hundreds of sheets were scattered on the large table. It was midnight and she had only finished correcting half of said papers. And she had to have them all corrected by the day after. So here she was, with strong coffee as her only weapon, crossing out and circling student's mistakes and fighting the urge to close her eyes and have a nap or do anything else but working.

It was all the Doctor's fault. He distracted her with his planets and aliens and people to rescue and now she was late. Couldn't he see she had a job, too ?

She sighed and drank a sip of coffee while taking the next exam. And she heard the familiar groan of the TARDIS outside her room.

"He can't be serious", she thought, but twenty seconds later he knocked at her door.

\- Don't come in ! she said, and he came in anyway.

She didn't even look up.

\- Good evening Rivah ! he claimed cheerfully, walking into the room. "Ready for a little adventure ? I just got a call from the monks of Alastra Hill and they are invaded by Sontarans so I thought we could go and have a little chat with Strax and…"

\- When I said don't come in, I was serious, she interrupted him.

\- You never are.

\- I am. I can't. I'm late with my work. Because of you.

He stepped closer.

\- Because of me ?

\- Yeah, and you know very well what I'm talking about.

\- Well, we can go and be back here in five seconds so you can take back your work.

She stopped writing and frowned at him.

\- No, we can't. I have a life, Doctor, have you forgotten ?

\- And _I_ have a time machine, he answered. Isn't a trip with me more exciting than this boring stuff ? he asked, pointing the sheets.

If glares could kill, the Doctor would certainly be dead.

\- I can't drop everything and follow you whenever you need some company. Just go and find any human, they'd love to be chosen by the Doctor.

He crossed his arms, looking upset.

\- I don't want "some company", I want you !

\- Then you'll have to wait.

But the Doctor didn't move and found another angle of attack.

\- River, look at you. You're exhausted, at the edge of a nervous breakdown. You need a distraction.

She shook her head, taking back her pen and going back to her exam.

\- I won't change my mind.

And yet she didn't tell him to leave. The Doctor walked behind her while she was writing and put his hands on her shoulders. She ignored him and he started to knead her. She sighed. She wouldn't admit it, but this was exactly what she needed.

\- Doctor, please. I have to finish this.

\- You're not fooling anyone, honey.

His hands were warm and soft as he slipped them under her blouse, touching her skin. "Alright. Stay focused. Don't let him win." But it was becoming difficult to breathe properly. She closed her eyes one second. Or maybe one minute. She felt her muscles unwind under the sweet touch of her husband. It was all silent and relaxing and those exams looked less and less attractive.

\- And what about that ? the Doctor whispered.

She felt his fingers pushing delicately her hair on her left shoulder, and then the the Doctor's lips in her neck. Oh God. She dropped her pen and leaned her head. He was leaving small burning kisses on her skin and she was shivering at each one. She had her stomach full of butterflies and how was she supposed to fight that ? She sighed deeply. It was too good.  
But the Doctor stopped the kissing. His face was still very close to hers though. She wanted to tell him to go on, but he would be winning too much points.

\- So ? he asked.

She finally turned towards him and met his eyes.

\- Okay, she said. I'll stop working. But I'm not going on an adventure.

\- Aren't you ? he asked with a little grin as if he knew what she meant.

She rolled her eyes, gripped his collar and kissed him.

Like always with the Doctor, she felt herself exploding on the inside with happiness and warmth. His lips were sweet and soft and quite confident against hers for once. Their tongues were looking for each other as he pulled her closer to him. She put a hand behind his neck. Her other was on his cheek. His skin was like a child's but he smelled like decades and thunder and rain. They pulled apart. She didn't know what exactly was her effects on him at this moment, but he looked at her with such desire that she had to hold his neck tighter. He pressed his forehead against hers.

\- Just admit that I'm more attractive than what you've planned.

\- Just stop being so snooty.

\- Wanna have the last word, don't you ?

\- Always, sweetie.

And they joined their mouths again. They stepped toward River's bed, which laid in the corner of the room. His bowtie fell on the floor. It was going to be a far more interesting night than she expected.

Most of the time, River was hiding what she really felt for the Doctor with provocative smiles, blinks and hello sweeties. But right at the moment, she wasn't hiding. She was looking at him in the eyes and she had the feeling that all of the love she had for him was irradiating from her. She hoped he would feel it. He was smiling too, and for once they weren't talking at all and it wasn't awkward or weird. It was just pleasant. Relaxing. Was that how normal people feel usually ? Slowly, the Doctor brought his hand to River's bare shoulder, lightly touching her skin in a caress all along her arm. She smiled. He was looking at his hand, coming back to her shoulder and then to her wrist again. He seemed to be thinking. She was about to ask what was in his mind when he came closer and held up his head before kissing her. He kissed her on the corner of the lips, on her cheeks, on her nose, on her forehead, on her temples and back to her lips, gently, slowly and every part of her body was boiling. She didn't move and content herself with sighing in an encouraging way. Then he came down her neck and kept kissing here and there. She couldn't help but laughing softly.

\- What's going on, sweetie ? she asked.

He stopped and looked at her.

\- You want me to stop ? he asked nervously.

She bit her lip and caressed his hair.

\- No, absolutely not. It's just… If there's one of us who must act like this, usually, it's me.

He came back to his pillow.

\- What do you mean, "act like this" ?

\- Well… Being so demonstrating.

He just kept looking at her and she was afraid she embarrassed him.

\- I'm sorry, Doctor. But… every time you act differently, I… I have the feeling that this might be… With our timelines being so…

He had an understanding look on his face and took her hand.

\- It's not the last time we see each other, River.

She let a breathe out in relief. That was exactly what she was thinking about.

\- It's just… Maybe I realized that I've never really… showed you… showed you how much…

He was breathing faster and he clearly had difficulties to finish his sentence. She squeezed his hand to make him go on.

\- How much I care about you.

He still couldn't say it. Even though she did. She had told him but the Doctor… They were words he couldn't deal with. She knew that, but she couldn't help being disappointed. Couldn't help wanting more. She smiled sadly, nodded and looked away.

\- River, you know what I mean, don't you ?

She nodded again.

\- Yeah. It's okay.

She wasn't accusing him, really. She was lucky to have him. When she looked back at him, he had closed his eyes, his lips were imperceptibly moving and he was frowning. He was making an effort. He was trying, and she was grateful for that. She caressed his hand with her thumb. He opened his eyes and all she could find in them was desperation.

\- Is it that hard ? she asked softly.

His gaze was lost again, lost into memories.

\- All the people I've lost…

\- But then, you should know better than anyone that you shouldn't wait 'til it's too late, she replied.

He looked at her with more sadness than ever, like if he knew something she didn't know. Spoilers again, she guessed. But this time, it scared her, so she faked a smile and changed the conversation.

\- You know, I really have to finish those corrections.

She straightens up and started to re-dress herself.

\- River… he whispered, but she pretended she hadn't heard.

\- God, it's already 4 a.m.. You do know how to make me lose my time, don't you ?

Once she was dressed, she turned toward the Doctor and quickly pressed her lips against his.

\- I'm going to take another coffee before going back to work. You go helping those monks, okay ? See you, sweetie.

He didn't move, didn't say anything and she left the room.

He didn't come in weeks.

She was afraid he was angry with her, angry about what she asked. Or that he felt too much pressure about words he didn't say, words he didn't want to speak. It was hurting, not to see him in such a long time for this reason. She didn't know how to react. She wasn't sure she had to apologize. She was her wife, after all. And yes, she wanted him to put words on his feelings, just once, because she didn't know how much time they had. She knew for sure that one day, what was between them would be done.

But she hated not seeing the Doctor, not to be with him, despite that night where she asked him to leave her alone. She was living for the Doctor. She missed him desperately.

One night, finally, she heard the sound of the TARDIS. She wasn't at Luna University this time, it was holiday period. She was at home. She stood up from the chair she was sitting on, both happy and anxious, and couldn't help but quickly look at herself in the mirror of the living room. He knocked – at least she hoped it was him – so she came to open the front door.

It was indeed him. He was looking at her like a boy that was expecting to be scolded by her mother. The blue box was standing a few steps behind him.

\- Hi, River. Am I disturbing ? he asked, smiling shyly.

She laughed softly.

\- So now you ask ?

He looked relieved that she wasn't angry.

\- Would you come in the TARDIS ?

\- Course I will.

She stepped outside and locked her door before following him into the familiar ship. It was good to be back here. The TARDIS was her first home. The Doctors went straight to the console and started setting coordinates and pushing buttons and lowering levers. He seemed to be taking reassurance, like if doing those movements helped him feeling better. It was certainly the case.

\- So, what have you been up to ? River asked, walking around the console, watching him.

\- Oh, a few runs here and there… he said. You ?

\- I've been missing you, sweetie.

He stopped what he was doing and looked at her. She was very serious.

\- So have I. Missed you. I've missed you too, I mean, he said with an embarrassing cough.

She smiled. She understood that he was being more careful with what he said, now.

\- I'd got it. Where are you taking me ?

He smiled back.

\- It's a surprise.

She raised her eyebrows.

\- I'm not sure if I'm dressed properly.

She was wearing a light brown tunic with a belt, black trousers and boots and a white jacket.

\- Don't worry, you're perfect.

She had a wide smile and stepped closer to him.

\- Don't flatter me like that.

The TARDIS landed and the Doctor, having recovered his self-confidence, walked to the door and opened it to River.

The sound of a crowd and a cheerful music welcomed them. The weather was pretty good : the air was lukewarm and soft, with no wind, the sky was cloudless. The typical quiet summer night. The Doctor closed the door and River felt his gaze scanning her to see her reaction.

\- Welcome to Arkadia, the hugest amusement park of Epsilon Nebula Galaxy.

A giant sign announced the name of the park. A long queue of people of all species and from all planets was waiting in front of the big metal doors. Behind them, they could see a dozens of roller coasters, towers and a beautiful Ferris wheel. Mouth-watering perfumes were leading their ways to their noses as well.

\- That's an idea ! said River, suddenly thrilled to go inside.

\- Do you like it ? asked the Doctor.

\- I love it, sweetie ! Let's go !

The Doctor used his psychic paper to avoid the queue. There was a crowd of a thousand people inside and he grabbed River's hand not to lose her.

\- What do you want to do first ?

He had to shout; there was too much noises. River shook her head in ignorance.

\- Blow my mind, Doctor !

He smiled to her and here they went. They didn't want to miss anything. River was having an absolutely good time, and though she said she would let him lead, she was the one insisting in going into the most scaring-like machines. She didn't stop laughing at him because he was screaming like a little girl, and the Doctor pretended he was upset. Thanks to his psychic papers, they were able to make eleven coasters in one hour. Finally, they decided to have a break and they reached a candy floss stand. They took one for two but the Doctor was using his height and his long arms to prevent River from having some.

\- Doctor, you're not playing fair ! she said, her arms crossed though a smile was still on her face.

\- Apologize for saying that I was a wimp !

\- But you are !

\- And yet I came with you in every roller coaster to make sure you don't die in atrocious pain.

She looked up.

\- Don't pretend you held me so tight just because you wanted to save me !

He didn't replied and kept eating the cotton candy on his own, looking at her.

\- It's absolutely delicious.

River sighed in front of the childish behavior of her husband.

\- Alright, I apologize. I'm sorry and thank you for making sure I was safe.

He put down his arm and gave the candy floss to River.

\- Wimp ! she claimed, and she started to run in the opposite direction, laughing, hearing the Doctor immediately yelling and chasing her.

She ran through the crowd, disturbing everyone with her candy in the hand. River Song was looking ridiculous but she didn't care. She was fast, but the Doctor has a better training at running and longer legs and he finally caught her and lifted her up. She had the feeling to be a teenager again, back at the time when everyone called her Mels. He put her back on the ground and she turned toward him.

\- Got you, he said, panting.

They looked at each other, sparkles in their eyes, and they kissed like if there was nothing else in the world they could do. He slipped his hand in her curls and she pulled him closer. There was definitely nothing she liked more than that. She could feel him smile against her lips. When they slipped apart, River realized she had dropped the candy floss on the ground. The Doctor laughed.

\- Looks like I'm rather good at kissing, he said, readjusting his bowtie.

She hit his shoulder with the back of her hand and looked at the candy.

\- I can't believe I didn't even got to taste it ! It's your entire fault.

But the Doctor was looking up at something behind them.

\- Look where we arrived !

She turned around to discover the magnificent Ferris Wheel, illuminated by thousands of small lights. It was the highest wheel she had ever seen. She didn't have much time to contemplate it though, because the Doctor had already grabbed her hand and was taking her closer to it. Then she understood he wanted to go _inside_ it.

\- What – wait – you want to go in there ?

\- Of course I do ! The view up there must be amazing.

She had no choice but following him. By the time they arrived, the wheel had stopped. The Doctor chose a cabin and they entered in. Only the small doors were protecting them; there was no glass. After a few minutes, the cabin started its slow ascent. River was looking at her feet, silent. When they reached mid-way, the Doctor noticed it.

\- Something's wrong ? he asked.

\- No, it's fine.

But she must have been pale or something because he kept going.

\- River, are you afraid of height?

She could hear the smile on his face when he said that and she looked at him, her gaze challenging.

\- Nothing scares River Song, sweetie.

\- Yeah ?

And he started to make the cabin move.

\- Stop ! Stop that ! she screamed, forgetting what she just said.

The Doctor was laughing, not listening to her.

\- Stop ! Are you insane ? Doctor, stop !

He finally stopped. River had put her hand on her chest, panting.

\- You wanna get us killed ? she asked, mid-furious, mid-amused.

\- You're dizzy, you really are, he said, and his voice sounded victorious.

\- And yet I came to make sure you didn't die in atrocious pain, she quoted, on eyebrow raised – but her hearts were still beating fast.

This thing could fall at any moment.

\- Come here, my hero, replied the Doctor, opening his arms.

She sighed and sat closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes. They stayed quiet for a moment. She was trying to forget how high they were. Then, the Doctor broke the silence.

\- How come you love roller coasters but this innocent wheel scares the hell out of you ? he said, caressing her arm.

\- Well… Coasters are fast. It's like running into a fight. You don't have the time to think, it just happens, I love the adrenaline. But Ferris Wheels… it takes so long. It's so slow. And you don't feel safe until it's stopped.

\- But it's worth the risk. Look.

She shook her head. He laughed softly.

\- Come on, River. You don't want to miss that.

She dared to open her eyes. They were on the top of the wheel and they could see kilometers around, millions of colored lights in the darkness, life beating in the city. The view was indeed breathtaking, but she couldn't help looking down five seconds later.

\- Oh my God.

It was truly high. People down here looked like small points. Higher than any other moment in her life. She felt the blood rushing out her face and her hands contracting around the Doctor's arm. He placed a reassuring hand over her head.

\- It's okay, sweetie, stop looking. I promise we're not going to fall.

He never called her sweetie. It was his nickname. But hearing this, in his mouth, was incredibly pleasant. She closed her eyes again and cuddled against him. He closed his arms around her.

\- As far as I'm concerned, I've already fallen, he whispered.

After the wheel, they decided they were too tired to go on and they came back into the TARDIS. River felt a bit embarrassed to have let her barriers fallen, to have showed him her weakness. "Hide the damage" was her credo.

\- I actually liked it, to see you this way, said the Doctor who was walking toward the console.

\- Oh, I'm glad seeing your wife worried please you, my dear, she replied with an ironic tone in her voice.

The Doctor set coordinates to send the TARDIS back in the vortex.

\- No – of course not – but you're always so much on the defense. Always so brave. I was starting to wonder if you were not a bit mental.

\- Only wondering now ? she replied with a playful smile.

He smiled too, finished typing and looked at her.

\- So, my insane wife, do you want me to drive you back home or do you want to stay the night ?

He had stepped toward her and looked shy again, worried, like when he arrived at her home. Like if he doubted she would say yes. She approached him.

\- Why are you looking as if you'd cry if I said no ?

He had an embarrassing smile and looked down.

\- Er – well… I might have another surprise for you.

\- Another surprise ? Oh – I see, _honey_.

Her smile became predatory and she grabbed a pant of his vest. The Doctor violently flushed, his hands fluttering as if he didn't know where to put them.

\- River ! No – I don't – you're – I didn't mean…

She burst out laughing and released him before stepping out of the console room.

\- Can't wait to see what you have in mind, sweetie !

She reached her dressing room and chose a nightie. She remembered the day she demanded a dressing room in the TARDIS for her own personal use. The Doctor had given up after about one hour.

When she was done, the Doctor was waiting for her outside.

\- What kind of surprise is this ? she asked.

\- The kind you need to be showed, not to be told.

\- Really ?

She arched an eyebrow.

\- _River_ !

\- Okay, okay ! I'm following you.

He led her to his bedroom, which was spacious with a huge bed that she had the pleasure to test a few times. She bit her tongue to stop herself from saying another out-of-place thing.

\- Lie down, he said.

Oh, he was really asking for it.

\- With pleasure, Doctor, she replied.

Her gaze must have been lustful because he looked up with a smile while lying next to her, which he never did. He switched off the lights and the both of them were lied on their back, waiting. River wanted to say something to mock the situation but her husband looked so anxious that she decided to spare him.

And then they appeared – the stars.

The ceiling seemed to evaporate and they could see the night sky above them : billons of stars of different sizes and brightness, a few planets and the silence of pure, deep darkness. They were slowly moving in the middle of this beauty. She could see the constellation of Violet Albatross and Southern Gem shining away and a meteorite flying its way out.

\- So… what do you think of that ? asked the Doctor in hushed voice, as if afraid that he could wake the sky up.

River realized she had stopped breathing.

\- That's… astonishing.

She was lost in her contemplation. She had never felt so tiny in space. It was incredibly peaceful. Then she turned her head toward the Doctor to ask him how he could not spend his days watching this, but he wasn't looking at the sky. He was looking at her. His gaze was intense, observing her every details and she forgot what she wanted to say.

\- River… he whispered.

Her hearts started to beat faster and she waited, not daring to say a word. She had the feeling to exist only in the reflection of his eyes. And when he seemed to have found, somehow, some inside peace, he opened his mouth again.

\- I love you, River Song.

She had to fight the tears that were coming, fight the knot in her throat. Those words, she only had heard them from her parents. And the Doctor had outdone his demons, his fears and his past to tell her. The man she would die for. The man she was living for.

\- I love you, too.

She noticed that a tear had fallen down his own cheek and authorized herself a sob as she said:

\- Look at us, happy fools.

He laughed of a nervous laughter as she shattered herself into his arms, which he wrapped around her. But then, suddenly, her old fear came back.

\- But, Doctor…

\- Hush, River, no.

She relaxed as he placed a kiss in her hair. She smelled his perfume, the odor she was addict to. And she let the three words echoing in her head, her spirit and her heart, diffusing their light, and happiness, and hope.

\- It's not the last time.


End file.
